{Day 354}

Last week was challenging.  And I’m not sure how to communicate this post with you.  In fact I’m a bit nervous (i.e. terrified that you might take this wrong/misunderstand where I’m coming from and where I am) but I want to share my heart with you and open up a little about this journey I’m on.  How I wish this “chat” could take place over a cup of tea…

I’ve chosen to not talk about my health challenges in depth on here (for a multitude of reasons) and I’m still not ready for that fully but you’ll need a little peak into my past to give some background to this last week.  Lying in bed for four years crazy sick and in searing pain does all sorts of things to you.  Some of those things I’m just beginning to realize.  You see I would never ever change the fact that I went through that time.  Ever.  It has shaped me and molded me into the person I am today and I saw Jesus like I never had before.  Was it worth it you might ask?  Most definitely.  Since then though I’ve realized I’ve picked up some baggage in my view of God.  Due to the fact that I know God loves me and because I’ve seen his love displayed time and time again through suffering or challenges I’ve developed the habit of assuming that God will show his love for me by always having me go through trials.  Let me make a note here that I do believe that God blesses me as in so many ways!  Yes, I sound like an oxymoron.  What I’m talking about here are the big desires; the big dreams and hopes of my life.

Last week I wanted to give up hoping that any of those large and even healthy dreams will ever come true.  Since the greatest desire of my heart is to know Jesus I feel like in the process he won’t give me any of the other lesser desires of my heart.  This is wrong thinking, but what I was wrestling through none the less. As I was lying in bed talking with Jesus I knew I needed to hear his words to me so I grabbed my Bible and started flipping through.  And that’s when I found it.  In first Kings chapter 19 of all places.  Right before this chapter Elijah has just seen an incredible miracle but then he becomes afraid of what will become of him when a threat is made about his life.  He runs away and is distraught even asking for God to let him die.  Instead the Lord lets him sleep and sends an angel to give him nourishing food.  Not once but twice.  On that food Elijah is sustained for 40 days and nights.  The passage then goes on to say this:

“There he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and he said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”  He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.”  And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire, the sound of a low whisper.” 1 Kings 19:9-12 (emphasis mine)

A dam of emotion broke inside of me and made my sight go all blurry with its torrent of water.  Because as I was reading and hearing about how God was going to pass before Elijah and seeing the earth shake I wondered what it would say when God finally came.  What crazier thing could happen after rock shattering wind, an earthquake, and fire?  But no, it wasn’t something violent.  Instead when God shows up to speak with Elijah he comes with a gentle blowing.  A still small voice, as some translations say, or a calm.

God in all his glory comes and speaks gently to Elijah’s downcast spirit.  He doesn’t send another trial.  Instead he first cares for his needs, sleep and food.  On the bread that the Lord provides us, his body broken for us, we can be sustained like no other.  Then when he speaks it is so quietly and lovingly that my concordance says thin.  All week he has patiently been whispering to me that he loves me.  And that he doesn’t always send trials.  Doesn’t he promise in Isaiah 42:3 that “A bruised reed He will not break and a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish; He will faithfully bring forth justice”?  Yes.  What a blessing that Jesus is patient with me.  My heart is learning to fall in love with him even more.

One way that Jesus has shown his love is through dear friends.  My amazing friend Rachel sent me a whole box of clothes and in it I found this shirt.  She’s amazing.  So I borrowed my mom’s heels (yes, my moms!) and this is what came together.

UPDATE!!!! $73,982.13  Alllllmost to the $74K mark.  Guess what day is approaching fast?  May 1st is the 2 year anniversary of the start of THE dress project.  Wouldn’t it be pretty cool and amazing to get to $75K by then?  And to celebrate you might even see a certain LBD make an appearance. 😉  Who’s up for helping us get to $75K?!

(Photos by: Christa Taylor)