{ DAY 384 }

“Smile Elaini.”  “I’m trying daddy but that’s as much as I can.”  I forced my mouth to smile as much as it could as my father snapped a picture of me and a dear friend, but it felt like stretching a rubber band out that has lost it’s elasticity, cracking.  Sometimes it happens slowly and at other times it hits me fast and hard.  This time it had happened almost overnight.  That point where my eyes swell almost shut and my face cracks open creating fissures of raw.

I sighed as I looked in the mirror.  And in that moment my soul felt raw too.  It wasn’t the first time this had happened.  No, I’d dealt with it for years in my past with no relief.  Though things have gotten somewhat better I’m still often reminded that I don’t have a healthy body.

Back when I was 16 ½ and my body fell apart for four years I wrestled with many, many thought processes.  One of them was my worth.  I was stripped of everything I considered, at that time, made me worthy of living.  This included but was not limited to my health, my friends, the way I looked, my independence, and even my ability to process, think clearly, and focus.  I didn’t understand why I was alive.  All I could do was lie in bed and have people wait on me.  And when I looked in the mirror I cringed.  I felt like I was staring at a monster, but the monster was me.  I’d never really struggled with body image issues but this took things to a whole new level.  A nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from and couldn’t ever leave because it was my very self.  But as my skin and soul cracked wide upon something unexpected happened.  My bloody painful skin pointed me to the One who cracked open heaven wide and came down to bleed and die for me.  As I wrestled with and finally surrendered to that truth on a new level it changed everything.  I realized my worth had already been set by the One who spoke light into being and spun galaxies into life with a gentle breath.

Even though any outward beauty I had possessed was stripped there was a deeper and longer lasting beauty that could be mine.  You would think that after four years of dealing with this 24/7 I would get it.  But no, I forget.  So as I stood and gazed at myself in the mirror and felt the raw skin on my face I just asked Jesus to be with me.  I had a wedding to attend in the evening and I wanted to feel like I looked nice.  He responded in the most tender beautiful way.  You know what?  He called me sweetheart!  And my heart thrilled as he whispered to my soul that the painful skin and “ugly” face in the here and now was going to make heaven that much more precious and beautiful. 

I’m reminded of a scene in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis that illustrates a similar point.  When Aslan comes back from the dead after being killed by the witch in Narnia as a ransom for a traitor he says this so eloquently, “…though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backward.”

There it is.  Truth.  That death itself has already begun to work backwards because Jesus defeated death on the cross when he rose again three days later.  My body may be deteriorating but life and newness of my soul can be renewed day by day.  And although it feels like my body is unraveling cell by cell my spirit is being knit up close to Jesus.  At that point there is nothing to compare.  Living pulled in tight to Jesus’ heart is always the best option.  Hands down.  I’d much rather have discomfort here if it will make heaven that much sweeter and glorious.

I realized that I had been focusing on the wrong thing.  I don’t believe it is wrong to want to look beautiful on the outside but I had been distracted by pain and looks.  I’d only been focusing on how I felt and what I would look like for the wedding.  And Jesus whispered to me to turn my gaze away from myself and put it on him and seek to serve those I would come in contact with.  To forget about myself and being inward focused and learn to draw others out and bring them joy.  So while my smile may be a little funny and tight right now my soul is smiling as I start this journey once again of focusing on the right things.  I’m learning to smile from the inside out because I have Jesus.  That’s all I need and want.

(Photo credit: Rachel Coker) “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” 1 Cor. 13:12