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It’s been happening more frequently of late.  Those moments where my brain is all foggy and jumbled.  Where I’m saying fuzzy instead of fizzy because that’s just how my thoughts feel.  Or where I mix up the sentence all together.  It was a hard but good week last week.  One where I clearly saw my own sin.  One of those moments where I just broke down because it all seemed like chaos.  And so on Sunday I was excited to take the Eucharist.  To stop and be grateful for that is the essence of the word.  So I walked up and dipped my piece of bread in the juice and walked back to my seat.  But as I was trying to still my heart and listen and be thankful I looked over to see that my sweet mum had purple red liquid all over her hands.  Drops splattering on her white skirt.  While I attempted to help I proceeded to drip my own morsel of juice laden bread all down the white hem of my outfit.  The moment of giving thanks was disrupted as I watched the stain sink deep into the fibers.  “Jesus please help me to focus” I prayed in desperation.  And it was right there that my heart smiled.  For I was reminded truly what this was all about.  It was about Jesus’ blood shed, splattered, dripping, and running free for me.  The crucifixion was messy because he knew my life would be messy.  He was willing to take that on.  To take on my mess and so while he didn’t have to, he stayed.  He stayed.  And he keeps on staying and comes into my chaos to make things right.  Fabric fibers dyed deep and reminding me that he died so that truth can sink deep into the fibers of my very being.  That he is always with me.  He stays even in my foggy brain state.  He stays and gives me strength in my weakness.  He stays because he loves me.  And my sin is washed away.  Whiter than any snow white piece of clothing  I will give thanks.  Maybe the “distraction” is just the moment where we really see?

Such a cute video! And the last line is something I need to be reminded of ALL THE TIME….

This was so beautiful that I cried at the end.

Did this but now I want to pull it back a bit and try this.

To take or not take selfies?  Follow these tips if you do!

WOW.  This is amazing and stunning.  I prefer the ones crafted by the Osmia avosetta.

Want to be awed?  Click through this.

And because happiness can be increased by 25% through being grateful each day here are three things I’m thankful for:

Encouraging and sweet texts from a friend.
Stickers on Facebook
The man on the street who said “Free high-fives!” (I took one, made me smile like a three year old)

What are you thankful for? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below!

I have a confession to make.   Sometime when I was around 10-12 I received this incredible art book.  And you know what I did with it?  Nothing.  Well, I did look longingly at the pictures and the art projects inside and yearned to create and design on the brilliantly fun and inspiring pages.  But I didn’t.  I held back.  Instead of painting and drawing and discovering I chose to leave the delight for anther time.  Because once the book was used up that was it.  Or so I thought.  I kept waiting for a perfect time.  I also chose to leave this book untouched because I was afraid of messing it up.  Yes, an art book intended for the very purpose of fun and freedom and left for well over a decade to be looked at and unused is ridiculous.  If you’re confused that’s okay.  I confuse myself too…  But lately I’m learning that all I have is right this moment.  Who knows if I have next year.  Who knows if I have till the end of today!  And perfect is elusive unless you find Him.

So I’ve pulled it out and I’m starting to use it up.  It’s time to stop holding back.  Because these blank pages need to be filled.  Empty spaces long to be made beautiful.  Because the perfect time is right now.  And because joy can be found in the present and worrying about joy in the future is counter productive.  I’ve been postponing joy and freedom in my life for too long afraid of what might happen if I create, dream, and dare I even say touch life?  I’d become a slave to perfection and scared of blank pages.  Afraid of what I might do to them.  Afraid of messing up.  Afraid of using up all the joy.  How silly is that?!  Maybe being used up is just the way that we find joy.  Using our life to the fullest is never a waste.  We won’t run out of joy if we paint our lives with the things that really matter.  Let’s fill in blank stares of hurting lives by painting in love.  Let’s use up everything we have till all the spaces have been touched with freedom.  Fear is no way to live.  Instead of creating fear, for it is really only a figment of our minds, why not create a space to enjoy the present?  Then let’s repeat as necessary.

Two years ago today.  I watched as money poured in to help me reach my goal and give sweet children in India hope for a brighter future.  These last two years have certainly had their ups and downs.  How could I know just how one project would forever change my life?  I still don’t know all the ramifications and probably never will because it’s a ripple effect.  One step towards a ridiculous dream.  One step outside my comfort zone.  And I fell in love.  Head over heals completely adoring of children I have yet to meet.  That’s one of the main reasons I still blog.  To share a story of hope with you and how you can make a difference with just one little decision to give a gift of money to children who know what real loss and poverty looks like.  They inspire me every day.  All of you who have donated inspire me.  With that all said here is a video that is a “Day in the Life of” the boys from one of the homes that your money has gone to support.  I hope you enjoy it as much as my momma heart did.  And will you please consider donating the equivalent of your drink for the day (coffee or whatever your beverage of choice is)?  Approximately $5 dollars feeds one of these sweethearts for a month…now isn’t that a well spent five dollars?  I think so!

“This daily structure brings dependability, breeds confidence and builds trust among our children with each other, their childrens’ home parents and school teachers.”  535 children and counting…

I’ve always wanted to travel to France and see, amongst a long list of things, the legendary lavender fields.  Since plans to jet across the Atlantic are no where in site I was pleasantly surprised to pass a lavender field while winding through the old historic highway in the gorge.  I stepped out of my car and was instantly enchanted by the sweeping azure blanket.  The sun high in the clear blue above coaxed the most heavenly fragrance to hang all sultry around.  Baskets of supplies for cutting the slender stems beckoned me to snip away and create a bouquet to carry the calm back home.  Bees hummed in and out and all over the flowers drinking in sweetness as I drank in the moment.  Those moments that make you stop and let you relax.  Hazy summer days of happiness that I wish I could bottle up and uncork every now and then.  I was grateful and delighted to just be alive.  Lavender may have healing properties, but gratefulness mends something even deeper, our souls.  Gratefulness brings true calm.  So here’s to beautiful moments treasured and remembered.  What summer day captured your heart this year?  I’d love to hear about it in the comment below!

“And Lavender, whose spikes of azure bloom
Shall be, ere-while, in arid bundles bound,
To lurk amidst the labours of her loom,
And crown her kerchiefs clean, with mickle rare perfume.”

William Shenstone The School Mistress 1742

I’d like to say that I’m a recovering perfectionist, but in all honesty I’m doing more struggling than recovering.  You’d never guess that I struggle with perfectionism if you saw my room right now.  It’s in disarray.  But it’s something much deeper than the piles of clothing lying on the desk.  I used to think that being a perfectionist wasn’t a bad thing.  It just meant that I cared about the details and wanted things to be nice right?  Yet if I’m being real with myself perfectionist is just a nice word for control freak.  It’s so hard for me to admit that to myself.  Why do I desperately feel the need to control and make perfect the things around me or my very own self?  My brokenness certainly can’t make anything whole.  I need the whole of Jesus to fill the hole in my life.  That’s why I’m searching for perfect.  But the answer isn’t in me making things right.  The answer is in trust.  There’s my issue right there.  Do I really trust Jesus?

If I truly trusted him and let go of control I’d find true freedom.

It’s in the day to day that we find Perfect.  Not because things are perfect, oh no they can be quite the opposite, but because in the chaos we search for the One who is perfect.  Maybe faithfully loving and living in this imperfect world draws us to perfection himself.  We don’t have to keep striving because life has already been lived perfectly for us by Jesus.  So that’s why I can point out my flaws.  Not because they are anything interesting but because they point to the fact that I need a Savior.  A perfect record.  Jesus.  The One who lived exactly how I should live and don’t, and died the death that I should die and won’t.

“Failure is just part of the process, and it’s not just okay; it’s better than okay. God doesn’t want failure to shut us down. God didn’t make it a three-strikes-and-you’re-out sort of thing. It’s more about how God helps us dust ourselves off so we can swing for the fences again. And all of this without keeping a meticulous record of our screw-ups.” ~Bob Goff

Wowza what a crazy 16 days it has been!  My dear friend Rachel was in town and while we had grand intentions of shooting myriads of photo shoots it didn’t really come to fruition since we decided to fill our days with ice cream, a mini road trip, going to the coast, going to Multnomah falls, fishing, eating dinner on an island, vintage shopping, a church camp out, movies, girl talk, baking/cooking, crying, laughing, picking lavender, food carts, parks, and more ice cream….  I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

So yesterday we grabbed the camera and she let me borrow this dress (I never wanted to take it off since it feels like pjs and makes you feel like a princess all at the same time) and we found a flowery spot to snap a few pics.  My smile is still a bit tight but that’s okay.  Here’s to summer adventures with one of your best friends!

“Smile Elaini.”  “I’m trying daddy but that’s as much as I can.”  I forced my mouth to smile as much as it could as my father snapped a picture of me and a dear friend, but it felt like stretching a rubber band out that has lost it’s elasticity, cracking.  Sometimes it happens slowly and at other times it hits me fast and hard.  This time it had happened almost overnight.  That point where my eyes swell almost shut and my face cracks open creating fissures of raw.

I sighed as I looked in the mirror.  And in that moment my soul felt raw too.  It wasn’t the first time this had happened.  No, I’d dealt with it for years in my past with no relief.  Though things have gotten somewhat better I’m still often reminded that I don’t have a healthy body.

Back when I was 16 ½ and my body fell apart for four years I wrestled with many, many thought processes.  One of them was my worth.  I was stripped of everything I considered, at that time, made me worthy of living.  This included but was not limited to my health, my friends, the way I looked, my independence, and even my ability to process, think clearly, and focus.  I didn’t understand why I was alive.  All I could do was lie in bed and have people wait on me.  And when I looked in the mirror I cringed.  I felt like I was staring at a monster, but the monster was me.  I’d never really struggled with body image issues but this took things to a whole new level.  A nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from and couldn’t ever leave because it was my very self.  But as my skin and soul cracked wide upon something unexpected happened.  My bloody painful skin pointed me to the One who cracked open heaven wide and came down to bleed and die for me.  As I wrestled with and finally surrendered to that truth on a new level it changed everything.  I realized my worth had already been set by the One who spoke light into being and spun galaxies into life with a gentle breath.

Even though any outward beauty I had possessed was stripped there was a deeper and longer lasting beauty that could be mine.  You would think that after four years of dealing with this 24/7 I would get it.  But no, I forget.  So as I stood and gazed at myself in the mirror and felt the raw skin on my face I just asked Jesus to be with me.  I had a wedding to attend in the evening and I wanted to feel like I looked nice.  He responded in the most tender beautiful way.  You know what?  He called me sweetheart!  And my heart thrilled as he whispered to my soul that the painful skin and “ugly” face in the here and now was going to make heaven that much more precious and beautiful. 

I’m reminded of a scene in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis that illustrates a similar point.  When Aslan comes back from the dead after being killed by the witch in Narnia as a ransom for a traitor he says this so eloquently, “…though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backward.”

There it is.  Truth.  That death itself has already begun to work backwards because Jesus defeated death on the cross when he rose again three days later.  My body may be deteriorating but life and newness of my soul can be renewed day by day.  And although it feels like my body is unraveling cell by cell my spirit is being knit up close to Jesus.  At that point there is nothing to compare.  Living pulled in tight to Jesus’ heart is always the best option.  Hands down.  I’d much rather have discomfort here if it will make heaven that much sweeter and glorious.

I realized that I had been focusing on the wrong thing.  I don’t believe it is wrong to want to look beautiful on the outside but I had been distracted by pain and looks.  I’d only been focusing on how I felt and what I would look like for the wedding.  And Jesus whispered to me to turn my gaze away from myself and put it on him and seek to serve those I would come in contact with.  To forget about myself and being inward focused and learn to draw others out and bring them joy.  So while my smile may be a little funny and tight right now my soul is smiling as I start this journey once again of focusing on the right things.  I’m learning to smile from the inside out because I have Jesus.  That’s all I need and want.

(Photo credit: Rachel Coker) “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” 1 Cor. 13:12

Sometimes things just fall into place.  Now before you go thinking that my life is always like that…well it’s not.  Yet since it is rare when things do come together just right it makes me appreciate them that much more.  Last week I had one of those magical moments.  That may sound cheesy but really it was breath taking.  My dear friend Rachel is in town and we decided to do another photo shoot.  So I looked in the back of my closet and found these gems of dresses just waiting to have a fabulous time.  What made it sweeter was that the dress I’m wearing was my mums first prom dress that she wore when she was just 14-15 and went with a senior.

We made our way up the winding road as the sun began to sink and when we arrived at Crown Point the view left us giddy.

Stunning dresses, check.  Incredible friend, check.  Perfect place, check.  Golden lighting perfection, check, check, check.  It was a beautiful evening.

Oh, and then on the way home we passed hazy blue lavender fields.  Mmm hmmm.

Since my dear friend is in town and I am trying to just live in the moment and enjoy this time today I am reposting one of my favorite blog posts from the archives. 

I don’t feel that it’s very often that I have a profound moment but yesterday while reading I experienced a known truth in a new way.  These are the words from Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon and it fit so well for my life right now I felt that it could have come from my heart:

“Lord, help me to glorify You; I am poor, help me to glorify You by contentment; I am sick, help me to give You honor by patience; I have talents, help me to extol You by spending them for You; I have time, Lord, help me to redeem it, that I may serve You; I have a heart to feel, Lord, let that heart feel no love but Yours and glow with no flame but affection for You; I have a head to think, Lord, help me to think of You and for You; You have put me in this world for something, Lord, show me what that is, and help me to work out my life purpose: I cannot do much, but as the widow put in her two small coins, which were all her living, so, Lord, I cast my time and eternity, too, into Your treasury; I am all Yours; take me, and enable me to glorify You now, in all that I do, and with all that I have.”

It was as I read over the words “all her living” that the print popped off the page.  Jesus wasn’t as concerned about the money that she gave as he cared about her life.  Not her wealth or the lack of it but the way she was living.  Her story was important to him.  My life, your life, and our living is what matters.  This daily giving of our very selves.  God doesn’t want us to just give him our livelihood he wants us to give him our living out.  To spend all our life on him.  Expending what little we might think we have because it is the little things that matter.  That our every breath might be a praise and every movement a recognition of grace.  Let our lives be a currency of thankfulness.

This penny represents the approximate amount that the widow gave.  And it’s date is the year I was born.  Because I want to give the living out of my life to him.